What does it mean to age gracefully?

As the number of candles on my birthday cake started looking a little daunting to me, I’ve began thinking of old age, my savings account, my thinning hair and neck crinkles.. and my libido. And I asked myself what people mean when they say about someone She is ageing gracefully. First of all when I tried researching the topic online I was shocked to discover that women over the age of 40 are barely represented. Women above 60 and 70 – yes, but not the 40-year olds. If you want a laugh, try searching ‘woman 40s’. Most of the girls that appear in the search results could be the daughters of women in their 40s.

WHERE ARE ALL THE PHOTOS OF WOMEN OVER 40? REAL WOMEN, LIVING REAL LIVES?

As a friend put it – we, the 40 year-olds, tend to be forgotten. No-one talks about us and we are stuck in this limbo between not old yet, but not young any more. So who are we and what do we think of life, style, parenthood, happiness?

The 40s are probably the most potent time time of our lives, when we finally have accumulated so much experience and knowledge, when we have supposedly achieved a lot: traveled the world, built a career or family or perhaps all the three things together. And that’s the time when we feel most confident and strong about dealing with whatever comes our way. And yet it seems like we don’t exist…

To tell you the truth not that we care as much as we used to in our 20s and 30s, but at least looking for free images online I think it’s fair to ask and find some kick-ass real 40 year olds. 

I’D LIKE TO THINK OF AGEING AS A PROCESS OF TRANSFORMATION, NOT AS GETTING OLD AND WRINKLED OR INCAPABLE OF CERTAIN THINGS. 

Not being represented enough online could be related to the fact that it is really hard to define how a 40-something year old woman looks like. Think Kate Winslet, Angelina Jolie, Kerry Washington, Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tracy Ellis Ross, Vera Farmiga, Sophia Vergara and so on. I hope you get the picture now. It is not that clear in fact. Plus when you are in your 40s you are not quite old yet, you still hold on to the “young” crowd, you are not ready to admit  you’ve started ageing. As a friend of mine put it in our last conversation cutting half way through my speech about ageing with grace: you are not old yet…but what does it mean to be old? When exactly people start to look and feel old? The first time I felt old was after my kids were born and now I feel it quite often looking myself through their eyes. But what about those who choose not to have kids, when do they feel old for the first time? Is there a specific age we think of as getting old? And I don’t want to get into the topic of  men and women and how this is perceived differently for the two genders. Instead I want to think of ageing as a process that starts from the moment we are born and as a process of transformation, not as getting old?! But still what does age gracefully mean to women today?

“To me my personality and identity are the most important. To age gracefully means to stay connected with yourself and not spend too much time and energy obsessing about what others think”,

says Elena Beyens, style and image consultant, digital influencer and founder of Style&Fashion Club

Let’s take a look at the current context of our times, which inevitably influences what we think and how we feel about ageing. You can blame it on the masks or the social distancing and isolation, but women in their 40s (if I have to be accurate, women at any age) seem to be a lot less obsessed with their appearances and a lot more focused on how they feel and what brings them joy and fulfilment in life!

It seems that women are taking advantage of the moment to reconsider and re-define long held ideas about ageing and beauty overall.  That doesn’t concern only age, but weight, colour of their hair, body shape etc. 

Last year for example, I’ve been working for a popular Hairsalon in Zurich, filming and capturing on camera many women who’s been changing their hairstyle.  What stuck with me was that none of them wanted to look like a celebrity or some other woman out there. They all wanted to look like themselves.

“NO PLASTIC SURGERY FOR ME. EVER. I HAVE THE FEELING IT TAKES OVER YOUR IDENTITY”,

says Daniela, 48 

In the many interviews I’ve conducted in the last two years, I see women starting to take ownership of who they are, where they come from, their story and ancestral heritage. They want to connect with themselves on a deeper level, to tune into their identity, to learn about their ancestors and be authentic. There is nothing more attractive than that! A woman who knows what she wants and who she is. A woman, deeply rooted, grounded and yet liberated from all society expectations. 

That’s what ageing gracefully means to me. 

I have to say these women look incredibly beautiful, confident, sexy and strong as they stand up for themselves without guilt, shame or too much of a self-doubt. 

6 WOMEN TALK ABOUT AGEING GRACEFULLY

“With age I realise I want to please more myself and I care less what other people think of me. This feels very empowering”, says Daniela, a mum of three, a fashionista and teacher. “I finally feel free, because I don’t crave any more the male attention so much, I am ok with my weight and I’ve accepted finally ageing is an inevitable process. I better enjoy it, because if I focus too much on it, fighting it, I may miss a lot of exciting things in life”. 

“When you care too much about what others think of you, you can easily lose a sense of who you really are. And to me my personality and identity are the most important. Ageing gracefully means to me staying connected with yourself and not spending too much time and energy obsessing about what others think”, says Elena Beyens, a stylist and fashionable mum who lives and works in Zurich. “For me to age gracefully means to feel happy and content and not let age “define” what you can do or not do in life. I believe when a woman keeps being intellectually challenged and motivated, this brings her new energy and joy. If you keep your soul and spirit up, you are ageing gracefully. I also believe in natural beauty and being smart and balanced about ageing. Becoming a victim of the aesthetic industry is not the answer for me when it comes to ageing gracefully. And another key to ageing gracefully is staying healthy and keeping an active lifestyle”, thinks Elena.  

“I am not thinking about my age at all. Sometimes I forget how old I am. When I look at my age I think of how much I’ve done and achieved in my life for that time. Reflecting on this motivates me and uplifts me to go on, so age is really something secondary for me”, shares her perspective Lucine Ayanian, a Creative Director, fashion Insider and Educator.

“I find that the older I get, the more I learn about myself and that is something that is seen or felt by others. I think that what ageing gracefully means, gracefully becoming myself. I find that some women become more beautiful and attractive with age as they allow their personality to show”, says Priska Bruegger, fashion designer and founder of the Swiss Fashion Label PRISÉ

“Reaching 40 felt like a relief for me. I have emerged as a more confident woman than I was in my 20s and 30s when I was constantly questioning myself whether I am doing the right thing for my family, for my career, for my friends. At age of 40 I finally started looking inward, thinking how to nurture and spread the light that I have in me. As now I know myself more and I know what makes me happy and content, I take decisions much easier and I feel more secure. In that way I’ve started attracting around me more people like that, positive and with vibrant energy and it all has become one positive cycle. That includes taking care of myself in a much more conscious and sustainable way”, says Julie Roux, finder of fashion gems, stylist and founder of Finding Fashion Jules.

“I think ageing is a process and not all of us may enjoy or embrace it, but it is inevitable and part of a whole cycle of life. It is really given. That said not all of us have the chance to grow old which is why above all we must be thankful. For me ageing is a path of change, learning, forcing me to adapt. The path of ageing gives and takes simultaneously. To age gracefully is about acceptance. Accepting g bath sides of the process. Managing what you are given with a smile. Staying grateful. For everything. For everyone” tells me Katie, a mama of six kids.