An Ode to Love, before and after Marriage, on St. Valentine’s Day and beyond
I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Gestures like candle light dinners at a lonely beach and expensive hotel suits do not impress me. Somehow I’ve always missed the connection between deep true love and such grand movie-style gestures or cute little teddies, boxes of chocolates and bouquets of red roses. In fact I’ve never really celebrated St. Valentine’s Day. That’s not because I struggled keeping my boyfriends in the month of February, but simply because I used to think that celebrating St. Valentines was too tacky.
I guess that explains a lot about my love life. I am not the type who falls in and out of love easily, I don’t like conventional romance novels. I am the type who believes that one of the best books ever written about love is “Love in The Times of Cholera”.
Having said that, after almost 19 years of marriage and 12 months of spending more time than ever at home, with my husband, my views on St. Valentine’s Day have shifted. I still believe that the little things count more than anything in any relationship, the little things but every day, and yet I see now that St. Valentine’s Day can be an excellent occasion for all of us who sometimes forget or get lost into the routine of daily life, to honour and celebrate this fragile feeling.
You know for us married couples it is not easy to talk about love, especially after kids and seeing each other in some of the most vulnerable moments of our lives.…but that doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other any more. The problem is that we have stoped feeling and expressing love for each other in the ways we read about love in books and novels, or seeing Hollywood movies…and I guess that’s why we need a day like St. Valentine’s. Especially us, married couples! In fact in the current context of life we need St. Valentine’s even more than ever! It may be a chance to save our relationship, to start a conversation, to revive our emotional intimacy finding a path towards each other again…
about marriage and relationships if I was paying closer attention back when I was 20.
So here it is, a homage to love, before and after marriage:
Marriage is a roller coaster.Many couples enter marriage thinking life will always be sweet and you’ll always be as romantic and loving as on your wedding day. The reality is you and your spouse will navigate challenges together, and sometimes men need saving too! It is not only to expect them to be the strong ones to save a marriage. Nurturing your marriage and take care of the soul of your relationship! This will give you the strength to endure the bad times and savor the good.
Gone with the wind
Love is not always what you think it will be. Love is never exactly what you think it will be. Jane Austen perfectly captures this in some of her most famous literary works. In Pride and Prejudice, she brings together a rather unlikely couple. With resounding differences and the odds stacked against them, somehow Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy find love. It’s not a picture perfect love story. It’s messy, imperfect and real.
Consider the lead character in Emma. She’s flighty, snobby, a notorious pot-stirrer and a reckless busybody… but we can’t help but like her. She’s so busy sticking her nose in everyone else’s business, she almost misses the love that’s right in front of her. The idea of love and what we picture in our heads can easily cloud our judgement when we come face to face with the real thing. If you open your mind and your heart, love just might surprise you.
Though initially afraid to commit and form attachments, Holly changes. Being open to change is a vital part of keeping love alive. We aren’t static and neither are our relationships. Just like Holly learns to be vulnerable enough to embrace the change within herself, learning how to embrace changes in your spouse and yourself will help you! And don’t forget every love story is unique, you are the one who make the rules of your own!
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Learn to forgive! There’s no doubt that forgiveness is central to a strong marriage — for small indiscretions as well as big ones. Holding onto hurt and anger only serves to corrode the bond between spouses. There will be times in your marriage when you are the forgiver and times when you are the one forgiven. Either way, both saying you’re sorry and forgiving is the part of marriage that takes practice and persistence but yields a stronger bond.
Anna Karenina
Just like the main characters in the English Patient, taking the time to share stories and experiences builds intimacy. Through the sharing of their own stories, the characters begin to see the connections they have with each other even though their backgrounds are quite different. In marriage, sharing, talking and being vulnerable with each other every day is important to keep your bond strong. Make time to slow down and really exchange thoughts and opinions, not just the functional minutiae of everyday life, family and kids.
The English Patient
And finally a quote I favour from another great love story:
Bonnie Parker: You know what, when we started out, I thought we was really goin’ somewhere. This is it. We’re just goin’, huh?
Clyde Barrow: I love you.
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About the Author: Tsitaliya Mircheva
