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On relationship: “We choose partners whose company we enjoy; who make us feel good when we’re with them; and who make life fun—the same way we choose our friends”. Psychology today

It’s Sunday morning and we are still laying in bed, having coffee, talking about life…We called the neighbours’ daughter to come in and play with the kids in the back yard so we can have a taste of a slow morning on our new cuddle mattress and fine bedsheets from guschlafen. Our discussion revolves around our relationship…. What has changed and what has stayed the same.

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I am sure you heard it a thousand times before you even had them, that having kids changes everything. So you read every possible book out there to get prepared. At least that’s what you do before your first one arrives.

What happens though is that as soon as you become a mum you realize nothing can ever prepare you for the changes having a baby brings to your life and what’s even harder is that for some time you feel like you are really alone in this. You feel that no one can understand you, and even your partner can’t help you with the things you are experiencing: your body and hormones change, your mood plays trick on you, your stress levels get really high and you become super emotional about, previously, insignificant things. This makes you angry and upset with your partner who doesn’t have to go through such challenges and bodily changes. He gets to keep his body and his life from two years ago, or at least that’s how it feels a lot of the time in that first year of becoming a parent.

Then when the kids get a little older, you start arguing with your partner about parenting; what’s the right and wrong thing to say to the kids when they misbehave, and whether it matters what colour clothes they choose to wear to school.

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Not to mention every time you try to start a conversation with him, both children want immediate attention so they keep interrupting and asking you all sorts of questions.

The sad fact is that in these past five years I have often had more patience, forgiveness and understanding for my children than for my partner. But what has saved our relationship is that somehow we have managed to stay connected. At times this has meant binge-watching a series on Netflix because that’s all we could handle at that moment, other times it has meant drinking wine on the terrace while watching the sunset and talking about what life was like before we had the kids.

My husband and I both discovered a new level of intimacy and bonding through new rituals we introduced at home: staying in bed a bit longer on the weekends (when the opportunity arises) and have our first coffee in bed, looking at old photos together with the children and telling them stories around their birth and first steps, organizing surprise picnics in the backyard.

At some point when we felt really overwhelmed with our daily routine we decided to try out a more effective way of communicating with each other. So I suggested in a heated moment that we try to start every sentence with “I” instead of “You”: “I am tired and had a bad day, do you mind giving the kids a bath while I wash the dishes”, instead of “You never help” or “You don’t understand”.

But the most important thing I learned about myself and my relationship (with or without kids) is that we as women often have certain expectations and beliefs about how relationships should or should not be. We often forget that in the realm of our own homes we are able to set our own rules. Relationships after baby may not be the fairy tale we envisioned, but the bonds that we form during hard times are really strong, and amazing things can happen when we learn how to grow and change together.

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Final Note: The art of every relationship is in the levels of intimacy and bonding couples manage to preserve along the way. That’s why it’s important to create a comfortable, harmonious and relaxed atmosphere for ourselves in the bedroom, where we get to spend time alone. Choose a good quality comfortable fit mattress and soft lightweight beautiful bedding. Discover more here