How to survive a Divorce and a Broken Heart

By |Published On: April 19th, 2017|

It is not the cheeriest of topics, I readily admit, however, let us be both honest and slightly serious for a moment. Considering the large number of triangles reading this I think it might be time to face the question: What would you do if you had to go through a divorce?

Let me first explain what I mean by a “triangle”. A triangle, and a triangle couple, is one who has lived in various countries/cultures; you may be from one country, he from another, and your children might have been born in a third country, and you are now living in a fourth! It does of course not need to be quite this complex, but for us triangles, it often is. If you struggle to answer when someone asks you as a couple “Where are you from”, you are definitely a triangle.

So, you found love, you moved to another country, you fell out of love, now what? What do you actually DO when you realise that divorce might be the only option? Well, the first one is fairly obvious: You find you best drinking buddy and you drink. You drink and cry and drink, and laugh and drink some more, and then my dear, you make a plan. Once the headache has settled you gather your thoughts and gather as much information as you can.

I have spoken to a few friends who are going through this right now. These ladies are totally amazing women who have had to make a living in a country that was not necessarily “their own” and in a foreign language, and not only that, they have come out “the other end” stronger and if possible even more fabulous than they were before!

I promise this will not be a couple therapy session. However, if the man you hope to marry is dallying in the odd flirty business even before the wedding, chances are he will continue. If you ever feel the need to question who “that” woman is he is emailing several times per day, then maybe, just maybe this is not going to be rose tinted cloud ride you thought it was going to be. It can so easily happen though, what with one or both of you travelling, small children may be involved and you are oh so very tired. Tired of being tired even! You may not feel like dressing up or ever get out of your pyjamas, and your brain which was once the sexiest thing about you, is now on constant stand by, because you know, tired. Your man on the other hand is ready for some action. Through the blur of sleep deprivation you start to notice something is awry. You finally muster up the energy and courage to ask him, and he admits it. Your fears become reality.
Not sure who is crying more, your child or you, you now need to face a harsh reality and face some seriously hard decisions…

There are of course various ways you can face this: You can try the “Stiff upper lip” version, which, according to my research has worked for exactly zero percent of the people I talked to; or you can try to get as much help as possible, which seems to be the way to go. Here is a “top 10” list of things you should be thinking about, should the sh*t hit the proverbial fan:

Get your affairs in order: Go through bank statements and bills. Dray up your monthly budget; how much do you need in order to keep you lifestyle as it is? How much do you spend on the children: nappies, wet wipes, hockey lessons, ballet classes etc etc.
If you live in or around Zug, go to the Frauenzentral in Zug, where they will be able to help you with a lot of practical advice for a small fee (max 200 CHF).
Get yourself a lawyer – ask around, ask friends, people in the gym, at school… you never know where the best advice is going to come from.
Tragic but necessary – Get an STD test.
Look on the web for Facebook groups and blogs. Netmums is a fabulous resource for divorcing mums (no matter what you have thought of netmums previously).
As much as you think you can deal with this by yourself – Go to therapy. Literally every single woman I spoke to said this was the number one thing that kept them going.
Stop feeling guilty! It will not help you in any way so stop it.
Whilst you are in the midst of the chaos, be aware of burnout. This is stress like you have never known so try to look after yourself and ask for help before you feel like you are actually going to “hit the wall”!
If there are children involved, let them see you grieve. They will be grieving too. But no matter how tempting, do not diss the dad. It´s just not helpful. You will be making a bad situation worse.
Ask for help. Your friends may not know how to help you, so ask them.

I hear you, I hear you; “This is an interesting article, but this won´t ever happen to me.” Well let me tell you, if you even for a second think that the women going through divorce right now thought they would end up as divorced, you are very much mistaken. They were just like us, like you and me: I have heard of proposals under the Rialto bridge in Venice, of whirlwind romances begun at work and everything in between. Most of the women I spoke to are total Fempresses, they are fiercely strong individuals who have had the misfortune of being married to men quite frankly, less than them, but not all. Not all women were fiercely strong characters with lesser men. But I tell you what ladies, try to do wrong by a mother and you will see strength show through like no other.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course, and some of these women have gone through hell and back, but they have all come out the other end not only stronger and more self assured than before, but they all speak of a freedom they never knew they lacked. There are no more compromises, they are living their lives on their own terms, building up lives with new goal posts and new dreams.

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About the Author: Tsitaliya Mircheva

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Tsitaliya is a writer and fashion journalist for more than 20 years. She founded Mums in Heels 10 years ago and keeps growing and evolving together with her community or fashionable mums and responsible consumers. Fashion and Wellness are her most favourite topics to write about.